Caveat: This post is about a book that has a lot of adult language and content. I wouldn’t recommend reading the book at work or in front of your kids or listening to it on Audible in front of your kids. If adult language and content isn’t your thing, I review plenty of books, so hang on for the next book review. Okay, hope that’s enough of a caveat. On to the post.

I’ve been reading Mark Manson’s The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck. In addition to YA fantasy, I love a good self-help book. Chalk it up to my fascination with humans or my counseling degree, but wrap research, anecdotes, and theories about our species into a neat package and I will open it. Christmas morning or not.

This is one of those game-changing reads. Marketed as the anti-self-help book, Manson delivers on that promise and then some.

Here’s why:

1. Real talk

Manson isn’t afraid to give it to your straight, shoot from the hip, or tell you like it is. Choose your cliched aphorism. Reading him is like hearing from your very practical, very uncensored, very brilliant best friend. He offers what he’s learned by sharing examples from famous people, spiritual entities, and even some pretty unflattering stories from his own life.

2. The idea that problems are not only okay but also a necessary part of life and happiness.

In an age where people are told to stay positive and avoid negative feelings, this book is a breath of fresh air. Let’s see how many cliché sayings I can write in one post.

Manson’s philosophy rests on the Buddhist idea that all human life involves suffering. It sounds kind or morbid but think about it.

Let’s take two extremes. There’s the person who lives on the streets where meeting basic needs is a struggle. Then there’s someone whose wealth is abundant where her biggest problem is deciding whether to build a new vacation home. They both have concerns, albeit very different ones.

Assuming most people, if they had the choice, wouldn’t be out on the streets (not that it’s that simple, which is a topic for a different day), let’s play out our rich friend’s life. She builds that fancy vacation house she’s been wanting for years. Awesome, good for her. She’ll still have to repair the water heater or replace the roof.

Suffering doesn’t just go away when you reach a “happiness” goal. It shifts to include a different set of problems. Manson believes that solving those problems actually contributes to our happiness. “The secret sauce is in the solving of the problems, not in not having problems in the first place,” he says. When we overcome an obstacle, we feel competent, accomplished, and just plain good about ourselves.

3. The big life question: what are you willing to struggle for?

I’m a career coach, in addition to being a writer, and I often ask clients what they want in their careers. The answers differ but typically fall into three categories: a job that interests me, a job that allows me to support my family/lifestyle, or a job where I make a difference. Some people value one over the other. Some people want two or even all three. But every answer I’ve heard boils down to those three things.

Manson argues that the more interesting question is what are you willing to struggle for?

Think: the bookstore clerk who loves to read and recommend books. This person’s job interests him, but his struggle might be paying the bills or living with five roommates, or not being in a band like his friend Jeremy. He’s sacrificed financial security, personal space, and a hobby for a career he likes. Take an executive on the other hand. She might give up family and personal time to cash a big paycheck. How about the person who jets across the world to study Ebola? They’re sacrificing their safety for a job where they make an impact.

I’m not saying having it all, whatever that means to you, is elusive. I’m saying no matter how you slice it, you will have concerns, issues, and problems to solve.

The areas of your life that you’re willing to struggle for become the areas that make all the difference. As Manson puts it, “True happiness occurs only when you find the problems you enjoy having and enjoy solving.” Not everyone wants to go through the political minefields and 60-hour workweeks that lead to the corner office. Not everyone wants to live paycheck to paycheck, working a minimum wage job to support their art. Figuring out what you’re willing to struggle for, that’s where you find purpose.

Mark Manson’s book is a game changer, a way of accepting the inevitability and vast multitude of human suffering. Accepting that nothing is perfect paradoxically brings joy. Understanding that problems are inevitable brings happiness. Figuring out which problems you want to tackle, that’s the stuff life is made of.

What an idea.

Thanks Mark Manson for your take. My mind is officially in a pretzel, but in a good way. I guess that’s my problem to solve.